Saturday, August 2, 2008

This Just In- Edward Dies, and Bella Gives Birth to Puppies!

That was my husband's theory anyway. I've just spent the last day and 1/2 reading the second and third book. Yeah, I read them both in that time. I've been real productive at home, let me tell ya. I gave my husband a theatrical Reader's Digest version of all three books, complete with eye rolling and arm gestures. He told me exactly how it would end. There'll be a big battle at the end (a good guess) and Edward will throw himself in front of Bella, and get torn into bits and burned. Jacob will rescue her and take her to a cave. Here my husband veres off into cartoon territory. (Avatar) It'll be a cave of love. She'll have been in the cave with Edward before, but they needed a flashlight. Anyway, she's in the cave with Jacob, and all of a sudden the cave starts glowing, because they have true love. (Picture this, he's saying all this in the craziest accents and gestures. I'm rolling on the bed laughing my head off.) Anyway, Jacob marries Bella, they live happily ever after, except she delivers a litter of puppies. The End. If only it would end this way.
Warning, offensive opinion ahead. If you don't want to be mad at me, stop reading here.




Really.





Ok, you asked for it.
I read most of the first book, and decided it's not for me. I really don't like the series. I don't like Bella. I want her to die, so she'll stop whining, crying and hyperventilating. I want Edward to die, so he'll stop being so impossibly and freakishly sparkly and beautiful. That makes me want to gag. I have a problem with the story on moral grounds: She's such a liar, and I don't approve of her living a double life, and having a teenage guy in her room every night tracing her lips, sniffing her neck and all that eternal foreplay they have going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm the farthest thing from a prude. I absolutely adore the fabulous intimacy between a husband and a wife. I'm a big fan. I think the book gives the impression that Bella and Edward are being 'good' because they haven't had sex. If your teenage daughter was living a lie, animally addicted to a boy from school, and sleeping in his arms every night, I doubt you'd praise her for her virtue. I have a problem with teenage girls reading this series and the way they are sighing and wishing they were Bella. What Bella does, what Bella wants, is not ok. Even if it's an exciting story. I do like Jacob though, that's why I've decided that he just needs to imprint on someone less of a hyperventilating, emotionally suffering, eternally horny, selfish liar. There you have it. Or even better, Hermione Granger meets Bella in a dark alley and sorts her out.
So why did I bother to read the last couple of books? I had all these people endlessly teasing me about my earlier disapproval. I had everyone and their (read: my) mother in law telling me I needed to take another look at them, give them another chance. And I was bored. So there you have it.

23 comments:

Tiffany said...

I love your husband's theory. I hope he's right.:) I could not agree more with you. What a little whine bag! I wasn't happy that she's leading a double life. I'll read the last book when someone has it and I have nothing better to do. I really could care less at this point. I would just like to see how it ends for curiosity sake. I want to see if Bella really does have puppies, and Edward gets shredded and fried like a potato.:)

The Clan of the Crazies said...

See, I need to read them so I will not be culturally out of the loop for eternity. They sound like the Vampire Diaries books I read when I was a hormonal, sighing, emotionally suffering teenager myself.

Tia Juana said...

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! We are SOUL mates! These are my EXACT feelings about these books!!! I have had issues with them from the get go for all the reasons you list here and I have tormented over my opinions at many a luncheon for voicing them - my friends saying "Oh, its just because you know what the next step is like and therefore you are thinking that the young girls are thinking that too - its all very innocent!" Innocent my you know what! Having a boy in your room all night does not equal high standards. Yes, even if he is dreamy and smells good! So there you have it - my opinion too. And I have yet to blog about it because, like the whole text messaging thing, I thought I would get a lot of flack and I really don't like getting flack on the blog. (You should have heard the conversations I have had since posting my text mesaage post a few weeks ago - with friends and extended family!) No one likes their quilty pleasures to be questioned. Oh I could go on... but I don't want to draw too much attention to myself. I'll get my opinionated self into more hot water!!!

I love you.

Tia Juana said...

PS: I just want him to bite her already and be done with it. I think she is whiney. I tell Lois that if she ever acts like Bella then I'm gonna bite her.

EarlGirl said...

Hooray, Tia Juana! I'm no longer the lone voice crying in the wilderness.

kersten campbell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn said...

And I will die the ONLY woman who REFUSES to read these books!!!
I love your critique! It was a lovely essay on why these books are so stupid!

John and Stephanie's blog said...

I am more into technological-end-of-the-world-ultimate-hero-that saves-mankind kind of stuff, and so is John, I am usually lazy when it comes to buy books for myself, so I let John surprise me.

His latest pick was "7 deadly wonders"; at least he is not talking about worst case scenarios about EMP like he did after the last book I got him for Father's day :)

I don't think I'll ever read Meyer's series, usually if I don't like a character, I have a hard time finishing the book, I need to like the main character at least, the main one needs to become my hero for some (usually good) reason. :)

shannon said...

Thank you for pointing out what a whiner that girl is. The group I work with LOVES those books and I attempted to read the first one. What a pain in the neck, no pun intended, she is. There is no way she would not have been taken out by some other vampire just because they got tired of her. And why have her parents not figured it out yet? I know some parents refuse to see what is going on with their kids but don't you think hanging out with the undead would be pretty hard to ignor?

My Three Sons said...

I have to admit that I enjoyed these books. I do, however, realize that they are not classics or ever to be read again :) The beauty of life is that everyone is entitled to their opinion and I love that!!

Jodi said...

Well, since I really have no opinion yet...probably because I am only half way through with the first one which I started about three months ago. Maybe that should be my commentary. No one can believe I haven't finished it yet! I just didn't have the desire to get back in so soon. I will finish it because if I don't I think I will be the ONLY woman on the planet that hasn't. Not that that would be a bad thing...just need to have something to base my opinion on depending on which way it goes!

Christy said...

I will stand up for all of the Bella and Edward fans out there! I really enjoyed reading the series. I guess that makes me a whiny vampire lover too. I love reading books for the sake of fun and not trying to find some deeper meaning in life so this book was right up my alley. You have to remember she is a teenager, and I am sure many of us spent a lot of time whining while we were teenagers even though we don't want to admit it. So that's my opinion and I am sticking to it.Go team Edward!

fivekidsandsomechocolate said...

I have to agree with Earlgirl. There were many things I enjoyed in this story, Bella not being one of them. The books are a fanciful easy read, but there are some serious issues that disturbed me and those were outlined here very well by Ms. Earl. I also have a word of warning on book four. It is completely inappropriate for young readers. After I read it I found out that the author wanted an age warning printed, but it didn't happen. My daughter won't be reading these...and I am not a prude either... and I actually own a t-shirt.

Aimee said...

Oh Earlgirl, I'm so glad to hear your thoughts on the subject. I too have had everyone and their mother in laws telling me to read this series. I haven't started though but I was planning too. Now I don't have to. Thanks for saving me the trouble. (smile)

I agree with all your points of reasoning. just so you know. (smile)

Kimberly said...

I have absolutely no interest in these books. I've heard funny dialog about them from people who partake, and I applaud the authors success... but I am just not interested.

But, let me just warn any and every future boy who may know my daughter in her teen years... lay in her bed and trace her lips before you are officially and legally part of our family... and you will wish a vampire got ahold of you before I did!

I teach gospel doctrine, and know this is going to sound very molly of me, but wish people would get so excited about the BOM!

lovecat said...

I can't believe you suckered him into reading those terrible books! your persuasionary skills are truely a wonder to behold.

Doran & Jody said...

I don't dare read your post or any of your comments until I finish the book. Oh wait,,,,,I need to start it first.

I have an award for you....come and get it.

Kimi said...

I didn't get into the series until the last book and even then I could definately put it down to clean house or make dinner or do any number of things. I totally agree with everything you cited. My mom, on her death bed, has been lecturing us about how we should stop entertaining ourselves with movies or whatever that showcase such loose morals. I know I need to do better.

Kimi said...

Oh, when I finished reading the third book I wanted to pick up Jane Eyre. Now thats a good book. Substance. Ahhh! Jane is my hero. Poo poo on Bella.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I wanted you to know that there are others like us out there! I didn't like the books for the same reasons (and more) that you listed! I also have a teenage son that I wasn't crazy about him reading the books. Let's not get into the whole co-dependent issue. I've read them all (including the fourth) and I still feel that way.

Anyway, you are NOT alone!

shauna said...

I really tried to like these books. If I hadn't had spare time at work, I wouldn't have even thought about reading past the 2nd chapter. How many times can you use the word glowering in one verse?
To be honest, the only part I liked was the foreplay. AND NO I don't agree with it between a teen girl and a wolf.

Allison said...

Man, I love an oppinionated woman! Go Earlgirl!

Michelle said...

I've been reading your blog for about a month and had to ask if you're related to the Sister Earl who served her mission in Billings, MT. Feel free to reply on my blog. Thanks!