Saturday, August 2, 2008

This Just In- Edward Dies, and Bella Gives Birth to Puppies!

That was my husband's theory anyway. I've just spent the last day and 1/2 reading the second and third book. Yeah, I read them both in that time. I've been real productive at home, let me tell ya. I gave my husband a theatrical Reader's Digest version of all three books, complete with eye rolling and arm gestures. He told me exactly how it would end. There'll be a big battle at the end (a good guess) and Edward will throw himself in front of Bella, and get torn into bits and burned. Jacob will rescue her and take her to a cave. Here my husband veres off into cartoon territory. (Avatar) It'll be a cave of love. She'll have been in the cave with Edward before, but they needed a flashlight. Anyway, she's in the cave with Jacob, and all of a sudden the cave starts glowing, because they have true love. (Picture this, he's saying all this in the craziest accents and gestures. I'm rolling on the bed laughing my head off.) Anyway, Jacob marries Bella, they live happily ever after, except she delivers a litter of puppies. The End. If only it would end this way.
Warning, offensive opinion ahead. If you don't want to be mad at me, stop reading here.


Ok, you asked for it.
I read most of the first book, and decided it's not for me. I really don't like the series. I don't like Bella. I want her to die, so she'll stop whining, crying and hyperventilating. I want Edward to die, so he'll stop being so impossibly and freakishly sparkly and beautiful. That makes me want to gag. I have a problem with the story on moral grounds: She's such a liar, and I don't approve of her living a double life, and having a teenage guy in her room every night tracing her lips, sniffing her neck and all that eternal foreplay they have going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm the farthest thing from a prude. I absolutely adore the fabulous intimacy between a husband and a wife. I'm a big fan. I think the book gives the impression that Bella and Edward are being 'good' because they haven't had sex. If your teenage daughter was living a lie, animally addicted to a boy from school, and sleeping in his arms every night, I doubt you'd praise her for her virtue. I have a problem with teenage girls reading this series and the way they are sighing and wishing they were Bella. What Bella does, what Bella wants, is not ok. Even if it's an exciting story. I do like Jacob though, that's why I've decided that he just needs to imprint on someone less of a hyperventilating, emotionally suffering, eternally horny, selfish liar. There you have it. Or even better, Hermione Granger meets Bella in a dark alley and sorts her out.
So why did I bother to read the last couple of books? I had all these people endlessly teasing me about my earlier disapproval. I had everyone and their (read: my) mother in law telling me I needed to take another look at them, give them another chance. And I was bored. So there you have it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Beam Me Up!

I'm thinking about either barricading myself inside the TV room, stuffing myself with popcorn, and watching Pride and Prejudice all day, or running from my house screaming. I have too much to do, not enough sleep, too many kids to babysit, and a substance on the carpet downstairs that seems to be either dog poop or vomit. Shout out to the mothership: Earlgirl's ready, come take her away!