Saturday, August 21, 2010

Making Tear Soup

A sweet friend stopped by yesterday and gave me a present. When I opened it up, there was a children's book called Tear Soup. Along with the story, there was a journal, a very applicable copy of a conference talk, and a letter from her. She is also acquainted with grief, and her words touched my heart so much that there are puckers on the letter now. I laid down and read the story. Lewis has been out of town, so I really had time to think and ponder. I went out to the shop and dug up all the photos of Michael I could find. I started writing in the journal all the things Michael's children will want to know about him. An idea hit me, and I scoured my old email archives and found a treasure trove of communication between us. I cleaned the house and got some really cleansing sobbing done. I feel a little better for it. I found some really fun pictures too.

Did you know gmail keeps a record of every IM session? I didn't, and I'm so glad they do! Take a look at one I found:

2:54 PM michael: Hey sis,
me: Hello Brutha'
2:57 PM michael: How's life?
me: busy, exciting, and stretching me. you?
2:59 PM michael: nice, I'm in the lull time of the day. these are the only thirty minutes of my day until I go to sleep that I can relax.
me: I'm kinda doing that too.
3:00 PM michael: so, any new drama?
3:01 PM me: yeah, an electrical inspector came by that could have cost us 20,000. But it didn't. I almost cried. Just a few lilttle changes to the basement bathroom, and all this well.
3:03 PM michael: hurray!
we might have made new friends,
me: yeah? anyone interesting?
michael: Jen has been so starved for friends she been getting a little depressed
3:04 PM they live down the street and have a great Dane 2 six feet albino boas and a bearded dragon
me: you're not friend enough for her? What is she, some kind of women's libber?
michael: and they shoot guns for fun!
3:05 PM I guess not
me: wow, they sound cool!
I know I love my friends. We've been appreciating the beauty of gerard butler today.
3:06 PM michael: I'm always cautions when I start hanging out with people. but Jen just throws herself into friendships
Who is that?
3:07 PM me: who's that? Gerard Butler of 300 fame?
michael: ?
me: Holy hunk of manliness fame? We've been watching P.S. I love you.
3:08 PM You've never seen the cover of the movie 300?
michael: are you talking about the guy in 300?
me: yeah. gerard butler.
3:09 PM michael: oh okay, crazy movie
yep very manily
me: never seen it.
3:11 PM michael: clean flicks. I loved it until a bad guy forces this guys wife to sleep with him. that kind of stuff enrages me. so the whole movie has a bad taste in my mouth
me: gotta dash, kid in a tree!

It just makes me smile. Our conversations were frequently about nothing much, but there were the ones, usually when we were walking together, that I never want to forget. I'm glad I have a special journal now to record them in. So this has been an intense weekend, but a good one. The story helped me realize that I don't have to sidestep the hard days. I'm just making tear soup and that's part of the process of healing.