Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Photos From My Checkered Past

I spent the day with my dad, and had a ball scanning some old photos of me in my past life as a teenager. I'm posting these just in case some day I'm hired for some extremely sensitive government position.

Did you know that if you get hired and a federal investigator finds out anything embarrassing about you that could leave you vulnerable to blackmail, you have to tell someone in order to be hired? It's true. My neighbor had to tell my husband something embarrassing from his past for just that reason. My husband would never tell me what it was, either! Anyway, after today, I'll be totally safe to hire. I have lots of embarrassing stories too, but I have too much fun telling those for that to be a problem. Ask me sometime about the perils of skinny dipping in your neighbor's pool when they're gone. And blowing your nose in the zoo. And trying to take off your training bra with a 21 year old relative sleeping in the bunk bed beneath you. Or trying to speed up a catheter induction of labor.

Anyway, back to high school.

Did I ever tell you I cut my own hair? I think this must have been my 80s boy band phase.

I'm doing the dishes here, and you can see how happy I am to be doing that.

Here's another beautiful one. If you think my kids are quirky, they come by it honestly. Here's my solution to caustic perm fumes:For my 16th birthday, I asked my dad to take me on a date. I dressed up in a formal, he was in a suit. We drove to the movies in a Porsche and out to eat in a fancy restaurant. It was a dream Sweet Sixteen!Now, as for the 17th birthday, you may recognize a certain hot hunk of manflesh.

Can it be? Is it he? Why, yes, it is.

Here we are for his Senior Homecoming. He was one of the royalty, of course. We went to rival high schools, where he was one of the 'popular' boys. Alas, I was, ahem, a sarcastic wisecracking 'not popular' girl. I had friends, of course, but we made very, very clever fun of the popular people. You should read some of the poems we wrote- priceless!
So who was this chap? A very nice boy from my school. One of the only guys I ever went on a date with from my school. Wait, he was one of two. Hmm. So, where was my blond hottie boyfriend? On his mission, in Poland.

So here's a quick peek at my past. Wait till you see the next decade!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Elbow of Truth

We were all packed in the van on the way to go swimming yesterday, and I heard Ammon say something to his brother that I've been chuckling over since then.

"Touch me again, and the elbow of truth will come down upon your shoulder."

The elbow of truth?

There's never a dull moment friends, never a dull moment.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Actual Parent-Teacher Correspondence

The school year is still young, but already I've had the chance to deal with 'issues' via email. I've been thinking about the long, long collection I have of emails back and forth with teachers. I've decided to share some highlights from actual letters. *Only the names have been changed to protect me from the wrath of the guilty.

"Hey there Fabulous Teacher*,
I know that Quirky's* vision is pretty terrible, and that he has a hard time seeing if he forgets his glasses. I have a policy though, of not bringing anything the kids forget to school. I draw the line if they are still at the bus stop. You may remember Eugene* from a few years ago. Today he forgot his planner that had to be signed, his history book that had to be covered by today and his lunch. He hadn't left the neighborhood when I discovered the planner and the book, but he was out of luck with his lunch. I now have 4 kids in school, and they need to learn responsibility though the consequences of forgetting. You can put him up close to the screen, keep him in from recess, whatever. I need to be sure to keep his problems and his problems. I know it's inconvenient to have a little blind boy in class, I'm sorry about that. I does keep me from being a trained rescuing retriever though. Thanks and good luck,

"Hey Benevolent Teacher*,
I want to fill you in on what's happening at home. We have a program in our family called accountability. Every day before dinner, each kid is held accountable for 5 aspects of life. He has to report whether his room is clean, his scriptures were read, the nature and completion of his homework, whether he practiced his instrument for 30 mins, and if he's shown family spirit. Quirky* sloughed off accountability yesterday. Each item missed each day will cost him in money and privileges. He can't go out and play, work on the computer, or watch a movie until he's accountable. Friday, however, he was accountable. I signed off on everything. I saw the homework done, I signed the reading slip. That's my job. I also saw his homework lying loose on a pile of backpacks. "Is that really where you want your homework to go?" I asked him. He picked it up, and I continued on down the hall. Where it ended up, I have no idea. It's not my problem. It's Quirky's* problem. So these are his consequences and what is expected of him at home. There will be days when he slacks off. Go ahead and throw the book at him. A great deal of the work he's missing has been done. Again, I have no idea what he does with it between the time I check it and when he's standing before you. He may go behind the school and smoke it, I don't have a clue. There's only so much I can do before it becomes an issue of training me instead of training him. He'll get it, it may just take a reeeaaallly long time. Thanks,
A very frustrated Earlgirl"

Hi Militant Teacher*,
This is going to sound crazy, but I have the distinct feeling that I've done this before! It must have been in another life that I typed the words "Eugene* has missing assignments". So either I've been reincarnated, or we've got to stop meeting like this! Anyway, after a stellar first week of the quarter, here we are again. Eugene* assures me that everything that can be turned in has been. I haven't seen a signed paper, he has no memory of me ever giving it to him, but nevertheless, he says they're done. He says there is one science assignment that was a class project that he can't make up. Is that true? Are the other ones indeed turned in?
Eugene's* weary mom

"Hey P.E, Teacher*,
My husband, Quirky* and I would like to meet with you two after school sometime soon. Will right ofter school tomorrow (Thursday) work for you? We thought an acknowledgment and apology is in order. Just let me know so my husband can schedule the time in."
Yours in Righteous Indignation,