Thursday, November 13, 2008

My Fantastic Idea for a New Business

I had a flash of inspiration the other day. You know what I would be so good at? I could totally do this for a living. I could come to the hospital with you when you're in labor and having your baby. My job would be to play appropriate music to get things going, to create a 'mood'. Picture this in your mind:

It's your big day, and you're in the hospital. You're laboring in the bed all attached to monitors. Your husband is coaching you through the Lamaze breathing. When a really hard contraction hits, you see me peek up from the foot of your bed blasting Is there Anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe! How cool would that be?

Or, say you had an epidural.... there's always Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb.

I could fit a song to any situation. What about a C section? I've got you covered: Cheryl Crow's The First Cut is the Deepest. I would be there with you through it all.

Fully dilated and ready to go? Salt and Peppa fits the bill with Push It.

Baby's crowning? A little Johnny Cash will set the mood.... "And it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire!"

How about that critical postpartum recovery time? Nothing would be better than Natalie Inbruglia's I'm Torn.

Think about it gals. This experience could be yours. Wouldn't that be AWESOME?!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Loving Tribute from my Aunt/Nextdoor Neighbor

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My Aunt posted this lovely photo of me from our Elder's Quorum murder mystery night a couple of weeks ago. I had a fabulous time tapping into my inner strumpet-tart-scarlet woman-crazy ex-wife. She included this touching, emotional tribute:

"I have this neighbor that a lot of people seem to admire and look up to. I think it is time to set the record straight. I mean sure, she looks wonderful when she shows up at church, together, nicely dressed, with a swarm of little boys all in their white shirts and ties, behaving respectably (mostly) while the talks are going on.

But what most people DON'T know is that they have a chicken killing dog (our poor innocent little chickens!) who leaves their lawn clean while leaving little "presents" on ours, they leave hazardous objects on their driveway that kids (mine) can break their arms on, there's trails on our lawn made by the aforementioned horde of little boys (and dog), that big strong husband of hers breaks trampolines (ours), and they are always "borrowing" stuff that they seem to have run out of. I caught a picture of the real Earlgirl, here included, so that people no longer need be decieved.

If she tries to tell you that we killed her dog, flooded their home, broke her kid's arm, or borrow their stuff all the time too, it's just the kind of thing she would do. Don't believe a word of it!!!"