Vexation and Toil

I have had one of those mornings that I hope to forget when I look back on my experience as a parent. One morning, in about 16 years, I'll open my eyes to peek at the alarm clock, see that it's 6:30, roll over, and go back to sleep. I'll have a smile on my face, because I won't have to deal with the (insert expletive here) my kids dished out to me this morning.

This morning I was subject to much abuse from Dainon*, my oldest. I'd confiscated their cell phone during mutual, and now he couldn't find it. He has to alternate days with his brother, and he keeps forgetting it on his day. Now he couldn't find it, and it was all my fault. He wandered around dishing out sarcastic musings about what was the point of even having a cell phone if he could never use it. (duh) After frantic searching, I located my purse to return his phone to him only to find- it wasn't there. More complaining. I suggested we call his phone. I did, and what do you know? The ringing came from his own jacket pocket. Somehow, after mutual last night, I managed to sneak his phone back into his pocket without him catching me at it. That's his story anyway.

Then Dallin, my third son, couldn't find his homework packet that was due last week. It's nowhere to be found, so I gingerly picked through the garbage. In doing so, I found a bank statement that my oldest threw away while cleaning up the kitchen last night. Great. My garbage excavation was nearing the icky stuff at the bottom, so I gave up on the packet. Tough luck, buddy.

Then my fourth son Kelton showed up wearing the same clothes as the day before, telling me he had no clean clothes. "Where is the stack of clean clothes I folded and gave to you yesterday?" I asked.

"Gone" he said.

"I don't think so." I replied, none too patiently at this point. We searched his room, and after much vexation and toil on my part, I discovered the errant pile in his brother's drawer. Clean pants were flung in his general direction, and I headed back upstairs to find that Dainon's lunch was still sitting on the table. He'd been gone for almost an hour. When we couldn't find Dallin's old homework packet, I suggested he start working on this weeks, which ironically enough, is due tomorrow. It never made it home. Blast!

I was about to head for the beaches of Mexico when Dallin piped up with, "Hey mom, you know that scout book I need..."

"You mean the one to replace the one you lost?! This isn't a good time to bring that up."

My one bright spot of comfort is the thought that all their valentines are done and at school already. That's something.

*You'll notice that I used my son's real names in this post. I'm tired of thinking of tricky ways of not writing them. I figure, if you really want to stalk them after what you're read today, you know what you're up against. Kidnap them, and they'll throw your bank statements in the trash, knock holes in your walls, and lose all your stuff.

The Hypertextualization of Society

You know what I'm talking about. The teens and tweens, eyes glued to their phones, thumbs twittering about. Everywhere you go, you see it. Now, the affliction has spread to my very own house!

My older boys have long been suffering under the impression that they have a case of neglect for CPS. "Jake has an Iphone touch!" "Hunter has a Blackberry!" "You're only cool if you have the coolest phone, and I don't even have one at all!" Boo hoo.

I have been unmoved by all this whining. If my boys can't remember their lunches on a regular basis, how in the world are they going to be responsible for a small, expensive piece of telecomunications equipment? My son's mp3 player just went through the laundry. I rest my case.

If they did, indeed, ever get a cell phone, my plan was that it would be a disposable-type of jobbie with a total of 5 monthly minutes. There was a bit of a wrinkle in my plan.

I went out of town for the weekend.

Upon coming down from the mountain, like Moses, I got bad news.

In my absense, my husband had gotten my boys a cell phone. To add insult to injury, it was cooler than mine!

He had a really good reason, that didn't even involve the kids. It was a business decision, a calculated move. That didn't avert my nuclear reaction.

And it didn't phase the boys who were blissed out, dreaming and planning their future coolness.

My life has not been the same since.

Example:

I'm sitting with my kids in a booth of a restaurant. My phone beeps, I check my messages, because I get a lot of business ones these days. There is a photo of myself, taken a scant minute earlier. "You look tired."

A few minutes later, my phone beeps again. I check my phone. There is a big smiley emoticon bouncing with the message "Hi."

This goes on and on.

They have a limit of 400 messages.

Any bets on how soon they blow through these?

Forgiven

You know what this boy did today? I had a dental cleaning this morning, and didn't get around to finding a babysitter for him. I took a huge risk and brought him with me. And do you know what? He was an angel. He sat on the twirly chair and drew spaceships. He chirped and chirped to the hygienist about how he used to be two, and now he's three. How three is a 'pink' birthday, whatever that means. He told her all about Peter Pan, and how if you think happy thoughts you can fly. He sat still for a whole hour, and thoroughly charmed everyone.

I think I'll keep him after all.

Mommy Hell

This is actual footage from my cell phone at the grocery store today. Sorry for the poor quality, but it's had a bit of a journey to get to this blog. Here's a transcript: (screaming at the top of his lungs)

"AAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE YOU!!!!! I WANT THIS TO TIP OVER!"

At this point, I still thought it was funny. He's usually an angel whenever I take him anywhere, so I could appreciate a little spice. However, it got waaaaaaaaaaay worse. I've actually never had a fit like this in all my years of parenting rascally boys. I ended up having to haul him out of the cart, sit right down on the floor in the frozen food section and put him in time out. We sat there for what felt like an hour, with him shrieking about how he hated me, and how much I was hurting him. Nice. I think I've gone and lost my "Mother of the Year" award for this one.

And We Have a Winner!

Congratulations Lee, random.org chose you to be the proud owner of this quintessence of loveliness!

Send me your street address by the method of your choice: email, facebook, skywriter, whatever. Congratulations!

What These Hands hath Wrought- An Earlgirl Giveaway!

I realized this morning, that I tend to get a bit obsessive in my interests. I have equipment stored in various places all over my house for all kinds of skills. I love to sew, paint watercolors, draw, knit, blog, take pictures, cook, garden, make jewelry, etc, but I never do anything in moderation. If I knit, I knit for a month straight and then never touch it again for two years. I get on a sewing kick and sew ten skirts, then put the machine away. My husband is still waiting for all the beads he bought me two Christmases ago to be put to use.

I knitted a handful of berets as Christmas gifts this last year, and the day after Christmas, I thought to myself, "Earlgirl, what if you started knitting in January, and you just made a few hats every month. Just think of all the cool gifts you could make! You could save yourself so much stress and pressure come December!" So, for the last couple of weeks, I have been eating, sleeping, breathing knitting. And I've been having a ball! I've taken on cables and jacquard knitting (knitting with multiple colors at the same time). I love the challenge.

I'm definitely no pro, but I'm so proud!

Take a look-

I found this pattern in a knitting book, but the colors were red, white and black. I thought to myself, "Wouldn't that be perfect with a deep red, oatmeal with flecks and chocolate brown?" I knew exactly who it would be perfect for as a Christmas present too. Do you think I could keep it a surprise though? No. I'd only been done a few minutes before she'd seen it. The pattern I had was just a square, so I had to adapt it, see that star on top? That was my creation.

Yay! I love it.

I'll have ended up giving away most of my hats, so I decided to make one for my very own self. I'd done a square of knitting cables that go straight up and down, so I wanted to try making them go diagonal. There was no pattern for this one, I just made it up. See how it makes a swirl on top?

I'm never going to take this one off. Oh, and don't you love my snowflake jammies? I wonder how many times I've been seen on this blog wearing those.
Now, for the grand giveaway. One of you can be the proud owner of this baby:

I didn't know about traditional giveaways when I hit 100 posts. I was sewing skirts when I hit 200 posts. Try giving away one of those! But a hat, a hat can be done. So here you have it- I love brown, pink and yellow together. I like the tropical looking flowers. If this baby is meant to be yours, let me know.

Ghetto Beauty Tips by Earlgirl

Have you ever fretted over dull and lifeless hair? Is your regular shampoo just not working like it used to?

I have the answer for you!

Help is no farther away than your kitchen sink.

Strip away all that build-up and grime left by your favorite styling products with liquid dish soap. Just lather, rinse and repeat to have squeaky clean, shiny hair!

Just make sure your detergent doesn't have bleach.

'Cause that's a bummer. Really.