Thursday, March 13, 2008

My Choice Awards

Taking Lee and Kim's example, I've decided to host a first annual My Choice award for my favorite features. This year was a tough year, the contestants were all really great. There were a few features that just didn't belong in the competition, but they got voted out pretty early. Too bad for you, wide feet. Try again next year. The stretch marks were always good for a laugh, but in the end, you can't survive such stiff competition on personality alone. Alright, the features are lined up and ready, so just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Coming in at number 5......My Height!
Measuring in at just a hair under 5'8", this feature has been around since the seventh grade and comes in very handy. Tall enough to lend a commanding presence, but not so tall that jeans in the store don't fit, makes a valuable feature indeed. Stand up straight and take a bow, height.
Now for number 4, My Skin! Why don't you come and say a few words, Skin. "I just want to thank you for this award, it's such an honor!" (nervous giggle) "I've been with you your whole life, and I didn't think you even noticed me." (waving back tears and gulping madly) "You can get away with hardly ever wearing makeup, because of me, ME!" (slightly hysterical laughter) "But I showed you! That little brush with skin cancer really woke you up, didn't it! That'll teach you for those times you tanned naked on the roof in high school!" Alright, if we can just get security down here to escort her off the stage.....Great. Thanks a lot, skin. Moving on.

Number three, let's hear it for the Eyebrows! Almost black, these eyebrows were a dramatic contrast to blond hair in childhood. Adulthood brought darker hair, but these brows have stayed bold and have lent an air of sophistication that belies the true goofy nature underneath. A clever subterfuge, eyebrows, well done!

We're narrowing the field now, I can feel the tension building. Who will take home the crown? The really cute bum has created a lot of buzz with her new muscular shape, but will it be enough to win the prize? The legs have always had a lot of flash, but will last years varicose vein scandal scare away the judges? Only time will tell.

For number two, put your hands together for the Nose! Easily the most recognizable feature, the nose also has an impressive pedigree. Critics in junior high mocked it, but the most distinguished tastes (read: husband) call it regal. It's takes a lot of support to carry this nose well, and we'd like to recognize the jaw, eyes and brows for their work. No mere fun and perky pug, this nose makes a statement, and demands to be taken seriously.
Now for the one we've all been waiting for....drum roll please.....
This years Queen Feature is..........The BUST! (crowd gasps, followed by frantic whispering) Can this be? Yes, I have visual confirmation from the judges, the Bust did, in fact, come in first. Come on down, Bust, and take your prize! So, how do you explain the reaction of the crowd? "Well, first of all, everyone thinks to be great, you have to be big, but I guess this proves them wrong." You haven't even placed in previous contests, why do you think you've won now? "I think it's taken a while to be really appreciated for the work I've done. I mean, I've nursed like a champ for five years. During those years when I was a lot more, let's say, 'prominent' she was mortified by the idea of anyone staring at me. I lend femininity, but without the unwanted stares. This girl has a lot going for her, and by taking a more subdued role, they really notice her face, her eyes, they listen to what she says. So I just want to shout out to all you 'supporting role' busts out there: WE ROCK, AND WE DON'T SAG!"(crowd erupts in cheers, screaming 'small bust, small bust')
There you have it, folks! We've had drama, we've had tears, let's hear it for all the features in the My Choice Awards!


The Bloxham Bunch said...

I love it. This is the cutest tag/fav. features one I've seen. Your so fun!!!! I love reading and listening to you speak. And let me are bea-u-ti-ful!

Kristin said...

I love reading your blog! It makes me giggle and always puts a smile on my face, often when I need it the most. Thanks for making me laugh. You are a beautiful person on the inside and it truly shows through on the outside as well.

Anonymous said...

I would like to point out that I never made fun of your nose in jr. high school. I always liked your nose. Of course, mine is pug and the comment 'don't go outside in the rain or you will drown' was said a few times.

Sleepless In St. George said...

Speaking as a leading role are so true! What I would give to trade places with ya...especially now that all that nursing has led to the sag! Love you to pieces!


Jenn said...

When I can routinely inflate and deflate my non-existent bosoms then I will blog about them. Until then I will catch yours and continue shopping in the "I'm growing up now" section.
I like your nose too.

Home of the Muddy Kids said...

It's times like these when I feel honored to share your beak.

Anonymous said...

Fabulous! Love ya-N

Kim said...

This post was brilliant. I agree with Kristin. So fun to read your blog. When I see that you've updated on my bloglines there's a thrill in discovering what's going on next.

Sorry to hear about your baby. I was feeling your pain as I read about your crazy day. Remodeling is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for control freaks like me.