Saturday, August 21, 2010

Making Tear Soup

A sweet friend stopped by yesterday and gave me a present. When I opened it up, there was a children's book called Tear Soup. Along with the story, there was a journal, a very applicable copy of a conference talk, and a letter from her. She is also acquainted with grief, and her words touched my heart so much that there are puckers on the letter now. I laid down and read the story. Lewis has been out of town, so I really had time to think and ponder. I went out to the shop and dug up all the photos of Michael I could find. I started writing in the journal all the things Michael's children will want to know about him. An idea hit me, and I scoured my old email archives and found a treasure trove of communication between us. I cleaned the house and got some really cleansing sobbing done. I feel a little better for it. I found some really fun pictures too.

Did you know gmail keeps a record of every IM session? I didn't, and I'm so glad they do! Take a look at one I found:

2:54 PM michael: Hey sis,
me: Hello Brutha'
2:57 PM michael: How's life?
me: busy, exciting, and stretching me. you?
2:59 PM michael: nice, I'm in the lull time of the day. these are the only thirty minutes of my day until I go to sleep that I can relax.
me: I'm kinda doing that too.
3:00 PM michael: so, any new drama?
3:01 PM me: yeah, an electrical inspector came by that could have cost us 20,000. But it didn't. I almost cried. Just a few lilttle changes to the basement bathroom, and all this well.
3:03 PM michael: hurray!
we might have made new friends,
me: yeah? anyone interesting?
michael: Jen has been so starved for friends she been getting a little depressed
3:04 PM they live down the street and have a great Dane 2 six feet albino boas and a bearded dragon
me: you're not friend enough for her? What is she, some kind of women's libber?
michael: and they shoot guns for fun!
3:05 PM I guess not
me: wow, they sound cool!
I know I love my friends. We've been appreciating the beauty of gerard butler today.
3:06 PM michael: I'm always cautions when I start hanging out with people. but Jen just throws herself into friendships
Who is that?
3:07 PM me: who's that? Gerard Butler of 300 fame?
michael: ?
me: Holy hunk of manliness fame? We've been watching P.S. I love you.
3:08 PM You've never seen the cover of the movie 300?
michael: are you talking about the guy in 300?
me: yeah. gerard butler.
3:09 PM michael: oh okay, crazy movie
yep very manily
me: never seen it.
3:11 PM michael: clean flicks. I loved it until a bad guy forces this guys wife to sleep with him. that kind of stuff enrages me. so the whole movie has a bad taste in my mouth
me: gotta dash, kid in a tree!

It just makes me smile. Our conversations were frequently about nothing much, but there were the ones, usually when we were walking together, that I never want to forget. I'm glad I have a special journal now to record them in. So this has been an intense weekend, but a good one. The story helped me realize that I don't have to sidestep the hard days. I'm just making tear soup and that's part of the process of healing.


Lee said...

I wish I could hug you. I am praying for you.. and rooting for you. Thanks for sharing part of your mind. Love you.

Michelle Stott said...

Keep writing down memories and thoughts. That is something I did when my dad passed away and it really helps with the grieving process as well as making sure you remember little details. Continue to get stronger and grief. It is a process we all need to go through when we lose someone. You are so strong. I love you!

Gardener said...

I have found that journals are useful for so many purposes! This one is especially good. I have at least one journal like that. You and all of you are awesome!