My Choice Awards

Taking Lee and Kim's example, I've decided to host a first annual My Choice award for my favorite features. This year was a tough year, the contestants were all really great. There were a few features that just didn't belong in the competition, but they got voted out pretty early. Too bad for you, wide feet. Try again next year. The stretch marks were always good for a laugh, but in the end, you can't survive such stiff competition on personality alone. Alright, the features are lined up and ready, so just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Coming in at number 5......My Height!
Measuring in at just a hair under 5'8", this feature has been around since the seventh grade and comes in very handy. Tall enough to lend a commanding presence, but not so tall that jeans in the store don't fit, makes a valuable feature indeed. Stand up straight and take a bow, height.
Now for number 4, My Skin! Why don't you come and say a few words, Skin. "I just want to thank you for this award, it's such an honor!" (nervous giggle) "I've been with you your whole life, and I didn't think you even noticed me." (waving back tears and gulping madly) "You can get away with hardly ever wearing makeup, because of me, ME!" (slightly hysterical laughter) "But I showed you! That little brush with skin cancer really woke you up, didn't it! That'll teach you for those times you tanned naked on the roof in high school!" Alright, if we can just get security down here to escort her off the stage.....Great. Thanks a lot, skin. Moving on.

Number three, let's hear it for the Eyebrows! Almost black, these eyebrows were a dramatic contrast to blond hair in childhood. Adulthood brought darker hair, but these brows have stayed bold and have lent an air of sophistication that belies the true goofy nature underneath. A clever subterfuge, eyebrows, well done!

We're narrowing the field now, I can feel the tension building. Who will take home the crown? The really cute bum has created a lot of buzz with her new muscular shape, but will it be enough to win the prize? The legs have always had a lot of flash, but will last years varicose vein scandal scare away the judges? Only time will tell.

For number two, put your hands together for the Nose! Easily the most recognizable feature, the nose also has an impressive pedigree. Critics in junior high mocked it, but the most distinguished tastes (read: husband) call it regal. It's takes a lot of support to carry this nose well, and we'd like to recognize the jaw, eyes and brows for their work. No mere fun and perky pug, this nose makes a statement, and demands to be taken seriously.
Now for the one we've all been waiting for....drum roll please.....
This years Queen Feature is..........The BUST! (crowd gasps, followed by frantic whispering) Can this be? Yes, I have visual confirmation from the judges, the Bust did, in fact, come in first. Come on down, Bust, and take your prize! So, how do you explain the reaction of the crowd? "Well, first of all, everyone thinks to be great, you have to be big, but I guess this proves them wrong." You haven't even placed in previous contests, why do you think you've won now? "I think it's taken a while to be really appreciated for the work I've done. I mean, I've nursed like a champ for five years. During those years when I was a lot more, let's say, 'prominent' she was mortified by the idea of anyone staring at me. I lend femininity, but without the unwanted stares. This girl has a lot going for her, and by taking a more subdued role, they really notice her face, her eyes, they listen to what she says. So I just want to shout out to all you 'supporting role' busts out there: WE ROCK, AND WE DON'T SAG!"(crowd erupts in cheers, screaming 'small bust, small bust')
There you have it, folks! We've had drama, we've had tears, let's hear it for all the features in the My Choice Awards!

What does this look like to you?

Beyond the obvious, does it look like, say, three weeks of groceries for a family of nine? A posh weekend getaway? 48 trips to the movies? It is a beautiful faucet, but come on! I've learned a painful lesson. When a friend advises you to buy your faucets on ebay, just sit down, make a choice and do it. Don't piddle fart around over finish styles and handle shapes until the day before installation. Because hardware stores don't stock Roman tub faucets. They take 10 days to come in. If you wait until the day of installation and beg your plumber for a place you can buy one that day, he'll send you to some specialty showroom where even the tiny sink faucets cost $250. And you'll be stuck. As I made this purchase, I could see in my minds eye a future time when we get to the bottom of our last bucket of wheat. My children will come to me, with hollow cheeks and imploring eyes. "Mummy," (insert pitiful Charles Dickens English accent here) "is there any more gruel?" I'll blink away my tears and say in the anguish of my soul, "No my dearest, you know we spent all our money on the tub faucet." He nods, and asks, "can I at least go polish it again? It looks so pretty in the light." "Yes, love. If it makes you feel better."

Puberty Watch

"You've got a zit, go pop it." Thomas commanded my 11 year-old at the breakfast table this morning. He perked up right away. "A zit? No I don't, where?" Thomas pointed out the offending pustule, and big L was incandescent with glee. "A zit! My first one! It's my man mark!" He refused to pop it. He intended to wear it as a badge of honor forever. Thomas finally convinced him that he really did need to pop it, and all kinds of gross discussion ensued. I tried to tune out their talk of how long to keep and what to do with the pus. I have to pick my battles, you know. When the actual popping time came, I was ready. First the pin. Then the squeeze. No, not like that, there's a right way and a wrong way to do things. Yep, you've got it. Welcome to the adolescent world, my son.

It's coming...it's coming!

That's not a dog, that's his wife!

These are words you never want to hear coming from your child's lips in public. Believe me, I know. On Saturday, all the boys were piled in the van. We were sitting in the drive through at the bank. A man was crossing in front of us on his way back to his van- a van that happened to have a cute little dog hanging out the window. "Oh, what a cute little dog!" cooed my eight year-old. Out came the cursed reply, in a really loud, carrying voice. It carried his words out my open window, straight to the ears of the stunned man walking in front of our van. We were lucky he didn't do something rash. He just looked disgustedly at us, and went on his way.
Wit beyond measure may be man's greatest treasure,
but wit gone awry makes you feel like cow pie.

I'm a Little Stew Pot.

I'm a little stew pot short and stout,
Mama's little helper brought me out.
Damp cloth underneath me, what's that about?
Just pick me up and hear Mom shout: Aaaaauuugh!

Hello, Beautiful.

You come here often? What's a vanity like you doing in a warehouse like this? How about we blow this joint....


Come on back to my place. I have this really great bedroom I want to show you.