A Family Planning Conspiracy

I was in my backyard today, inspecting my garden and fruit trees. All the fuzzy fruit babies are coming right along. The apricots are starting to blush with color. After a lousy harvest last year, the grapes are plentiful. I suspect they have some kind of 'every other year' thing going on. The apples are getting heavy, and are worm-free this year! Wah-hoo! The blackberries are getting black.But all was not well in the garden. It was here that I discovered something shocking. A family planning conspiracy!!! Yes, you read that correctly. Do you remember in the news a few weeks ago, a story of a pregnancy pact a bunch of girls made in a high school back east? They all apparently decided to get pregnant and raise their kids together? Well, the same thing has happened in my garden, except in reverse.

That's right. These girls decided that the whole 'multiply and replentish the earth' thing didn't apply to them. I don't know if they wanted more time, maybe they didn't feel ready. Perhaps they didn't want to be burdened with fruit while they were still so young. Whatever the reason, eight tomato plants decided to abstain. I did everything I could to set the mood: manure, plenty of water, a little mulch here and there, to no effect.
Thank goodness this gal didn't get the memo in time. She let one lone tomato squeak by. Thankfully, the rest of their neighbors haven't been swayed by the tomato gang's dangerously radical example.
The zucchini family are really cranking them out.
The peppers are expecting twins!The eggplant family haven't announced anything yet, but I think I see a little swelling there, a little bloat. What do you guys think?
The Tomatillo's have been having a fiesta over their good news.I wasn't going to say anything, but Mrs. Spaghetti-Squash is getting bigger by the day! Do you think that's all baby?
Who knew my garden would supply so much juicy gossip?

106.8

That's how hot it's been over here. No, I'm not talking about the weather. I'm talking about the core temperature of this little guy.

On the 4th, he started to get a bit warm, and by Saturday he was doing the whole fever thing with gusto. When I felt his head, I knew this was no ordinary fever. He was pretty delirious with bright red patches on his neck and chest. When I saw the numbers on the thermometer, I couldn't believe it. I called the ER to find out if this was an ER problem or an urgent care one while my husband bathed him. The ER lady wasn't fussed at all, and told me to save money and go to urgent care. The Dr. there wasn't very worried either. "Can't find anything wrong with him but the (insanely high) fever," he shrugged. "Probably a virus." I sounded a bit shrill when I asked him about the danger of hearing loss and brain damage. "Nah, don't worry about that. Just keep him hydrated. He'll be fine in a couple of days." Huh?
Huh?
The couple of days passed and he was far from fine, he was only getting worse. Today I finally followed my instincts and took him straight to the ER. He was burning up, and no one there told me it was no big deal. They ran some simple tests and found a raging infection that was easily treatable with antibiotics. I felt so vindicated! He's already feeling better too.
Lesson for the day: If someone tells you it's no big deal, but your gut tells you it is, it is.

Ick, Ick Ick!

In this heat, I've been trying really hard to stay hydrated. I'll keep a giant glass of water on the counter so every time I walk by it's there waiting for me. This evening I walked by and took a swig. As I lifted the glass and the water filled my mouth, I noticed an object in the bottom. A round, walnut-shaped object. I really didn't want to know what it was, I just spit the water in the sink and found another glass with which to drown my thirst. I'd forgotten about the surprise in the glass until my husband walked out of the kitchen with a brown walnut-sized object between his fingers. What was it?






Are you sure you want to know?






I didn't. But now I do.

A LIVE freshwater clam one of my kids brought home from camping.

What are you laughing at?!

My six year old giggled and squinted up at me. "Your fat stomach."
"What? Fat stomach? Baby, this isn't fat, this is love. This is sacrifice! These stretch marks are proof of what I went through to get all you boys here!" He just rolled his eyes. Then I regaled him with stories of my six pack from bygone days. I could out-crunch my husband in a contest. He would crumple in defeat and I would quit when I was bored. I sure wish I'd taken pictures.
Sigh. Anyway, back to my story.

We were camping. In paradise. Isn't this strip of grass between asphalt beautiful? We'd had a traumatic 2 1/2 hour drive in search of a campsite in 106 degree heat. The tip we'd been given of a fantastic place to camp didn't pan out, so we'd wasted half a tank of gas and we were grouchy. So we tied the boys up high in a tree to protect them from predators, and turned in. Just kidding, this guy rigged himself a cool pulley system. After a rough night's sleep, we were anxious to salvage the trip. My husband proposed an adventure. "Put on your shoes, boys, we're taking off!" And he walked out into the bush. And cactus. I didn't know we even HAD cactus here. But we do. And rattlesnakes. This was their home we were walking through. I coped with my fear by serenading them, announcing my presence. "Oh, snakies, stay away from me!" I got the silly tune stuck in everybody's head. Nothing bit us though, so it works. We found our own private beach. The water was so shallow, you could walk out 100 feet and it would only be up to your knees! I watched all this, fully clothed. Sweat ran down my neck. The sun beat down on my head. I tried to roll up my jeans, but what I really wanted to do, was swim! Luckily, my husband had packed some swim trunks, and he graciously lent them to me. The boys were riding driftwood, trying to balance on it and screaming with laughter when they rolled in the water. My husband took driftwood and built a raft.

I watched as long as a could, then I'd had enough. I went to the bushes, stripped off my shirt and hit the water with just my bra on top. Only my oldest looked twice, with a little suppressed grin. No one else batted an eye. That is, until my little six year old came up close for some sun screen. Then he couldn't help but stare and the beauty that is my wrinkly white stomach.
I guess this trip will live on in his memory for a long, long time.

Why Jello Shots, Fire Crackers and a Dry Field are not a Good Combination

We had a fun 4th of July. We went to the condo of a friend of ours, Nanny Pam. (This photo speaks to me. It says, "Honey, step away from the cookies. And keep on walking. Don't you hate pictures that make you think that? It's our only picture of the night, so I'm stuck with it. Anyway, back to Nanny Pam.) It's right by the river, where our town's firework display is. The kids brought her cool rocks and leaves, and dazzled her with their wit. We sat and chatted on her patio and watched as the sun set and darkness deepened. The condo next door, however, was a party in every sense of the word. They drank and drank, getting rowdier and more festive as the night wore on. They looked like clean cut, nice enough people, don't get me wrong, but by nightfall, they had their 'groove' on. Then they did us the great favor of providing a fantastic object lesson. They started letting off fireworks into a tinder-dry field. Of course it caught fire, it's been over 100 for a week! Their reaction was the best part. They stood there, flummoxed, telling each other "We need water." Duh. After a minute or so of this, my husband lets out a snort of disgust, and walks through the crowd next door, grabs their hose, turns on the water, walks to the field and puts the fire out. Neighbors on the other side were yelling at the partiers, calling them idiots, and we couldn't help but agree. It did make for a very productive conversation on the way home though.

My Newest Best Friend

Not that I don't still love my old best friend, I use her every day, but this.....miracle in a bottle deserves some attention. I have very fine, very straight hair. Hair that's always short, because I look like a corpse with long hair. You see, it clings to me, limp and lank. I love having short hair, I feel sassy and cute. I realized, however, after posting this picture, that I've had more or less the same hair style for over 20 years. And I'm not old enough for that yet. I've tried mousse, wax, expensive styling mud that makes my hair a stiff sculpture, I've slept in velcro rollers, in short, I have done everything I could think of to have the fuller, sexier hair that has eluded me. Until now. My friends, I give you:

TIGI Bedhead Super Star Thermal Blow Drying Lotion

After I get out of the shower, I squeeze out a nickel-sized amount in my hand (it's a liquid) and I work it through my hair. Then I blow dry. I'm still trying to get the hang of the whole round brush thing. Sometimes I just wish I could take my head off, plop it on the counter and blow it dry there. Until I can do that, I'll keep practicing. This ambrosia leaves your hair light and bouncy, not sticky. It makes me want to cry tears of joy.

ABC Tag

I'm a tardy tag answerer. I honestly mean to, then I get distracted. I think that's where my kids get it. So here I am, answering my sister's demand for personal information on my life and psyche. Here you go, Kristy.

A--Attached or Single? Attached. And I have a mental block about spelling that word. I always want to spell it attatched. And it's always wrong.
B--Best Friend? Easy. My kind, patient, forgiving, even-keeled husband. Best girlfriend? Hmmm. My sisters and the gals I'd let see my birth photos.
C-- Cake or Pie? Cherry pie. With vanilla ice cream.
D-- Day of Choice? Friday night. I have the whole weekend ahead of me. Anything is possible!
E-- Essential Item? Candy or gum in my purse. I get scared and anxious if I'm somewhere without a little snack. People always think I'm pregnant at church because I'm always the one in the back to the class sneaking food. I actually snuck chocolate chips up to the stand to sooth my nerves when I spoke in Sacrament meeting.
F--Favorite Color? Green. It's my signature color. (see Q)
G-- Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms. There's just something deliciously gross about them, the way they seem to slither around in my mouth.
H-- Hometown? The city I live in. I was actually born here and lived here for a whole three weeks! It's the one constant place in my Air Force brat life. I live next door to the house my mom grew up in. I never want to move. Ever.
I-- Indulgence(s)? Popcorn. I have an illicit relationship with the stuff. My favorite is air popped with Orville Redenbacher's popcorn oil on it. Yum.
J-- January or July? July. It's my birthday!
K-- Kids? Yeah, lots. My kids, neighbor kids, kids I don't even know....
L-- Life is Incomplete Without? That blissful feeling we have as a family in just being together. I often think that maybe we're taking up way too much happiness. If we took yours, I'm sorry. We'll try to cut back.
M-- Marriage Date? In a couple of days it'll be FOURTEEN YEARS! Yes, my son just turned 13. He was 6 days old for our first anniversary. We were pretty darn quick to reproduce.
N-- Number of siblings? 4
O-- Oranges or Apples? Oranges do really, really terrible things to me, so I'll say apple. Pie. With ice cream.
P-- Phobias or fears? Besides being stuck in a meeting and hungry without anything to eat? Shy people. Because I'm sure that they're thinking I'm an idiot. That gets me nervous and I talk more to fill the silence and remove any lingering doubts they might have.
Q-- Quotes? My favorites are from Steel Magnolias. Most of them I can't say aloud, I just think them and snicker. One of them is "He's a real gentleman. I'll bet the takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it!" Classic.
R-- Reason to Smile? I have my own bathroom. That's a huge reason to smile.
S-- Season? Late spring. That's garden planting time, when the little fruit babies are emerging, nice and fuzzy, and the flowers are blooming.
T-- Tag 5 People? Sorry, I can't actually tag anyone. It's against my religion.
U-- Unknown Fact? I don't have a cell phone. Or caller ID. I know, it's shocking.
V-- Very Favorite Store? Hmmm. That's a tough one. I think I'd have to say Fred Meyer. There's one a mile or so from my house, and it's a place I go to get happy.
W-- Worst Habit? It's a little known fact that I don't have any. I don't spend too much time on the computer, and I don't have a bad temper sometimes (pms) and I'm a total neat freak, I have no hidden closets and storage rooms that are dens on disaster. Yeah.
X-- X-ray or Ultrasound? Ultrasound. Those are so much fun! Except for the one where all my hopes were pinned on having a girl. The book said there was a 95% chance. I bawled my head off in front of everyone in the room. I'm a very private crier, so that was traumatic.
Y-- Your Favorite Food? If you don't count popcorn, then fresh salsa and restaurant chips. With tons of cilantro. I have a sneaking suspicion that I was supposed to be born Mexican.
Z-- Zodiac? Cancer.
So there you go. More than you ever wanted to know.