How could time have flown like this? I went from this, in 2005,
To this 2 year old in 2007 wistfully watching his best buddies leave him,
To this confident boy, ready to take on life. I just put this kiddo on a school bus, and as he made his big leap into the wide, wide world, I felt a giant tug under my ribs.
There he goes!
There he is, sitting next to Kelton peeking over the seat.So proud of you Liam!A sweet friend stopped by yesterday and gave me a present. When I opened it up, there was a children's book called Tear Soup. 
Along with the story, there was a journal, a very applicable copy of a conference talk, and a letter from her. She is also acquainted with grief, and her words touched my heart so much that there are puckers on the letter now. I laid down and read the story. Lewis has been out of town, so I really had time to think and ponder. I went out to the shop and dug up all the photos of Michael I could find. I started writing in the journal all the things Michael's children will want to know about him. An idea hit me, and I scoured my old email archives and found a treasure trove of communication between us. I cleaned the house and got some really cleansing sobbing done. I feel a little better for it. I found some really fun pictures too.
Did you know gmail keeps a record of every IM session? I didn't, and I'm so glad they do! Take a look at one I found:
I feel like I've been in a super-intensive course on life in the last couple of weeks since my brother died. I've learned so very much- about what's really important, what's not, about the human condition, and what paths lead to the most peace. Here are some musings:
I've learned from my brother that moments and relationships are not to be neglected. You'll never regret loving investment in the lives of others. You may regret busyness, time wasted, self-indulgent isolation (ahem, guilty)but never the smiles, hugs and meaningful contact.
I've learned that success at the end of this life really is measured on how determined you are to keep trying, and giving what you have to give. You don't need to be someone flashy, super financially successful, or with really prestigious responsibilities at church to be greeted as a heroic finisher of this test.
I'll never forget the look on my brother's face when I first saw his body. He hadn't been 'doctored' up yet, and it was a very emotionally and physically raw experience. I looked into that precious, familiar face. I saw the most beautiful hint of a smile. There was such peace, such pride and satisfaction. There was a powerful witness that this good man had finished his mission successfully.
Knowing my brother so well, and we were confidants, knowing his struggles, frustrations and weaknesses, has really helped me to see my life in a different way. I've learned that feeling discouraged at your progress in life, feeling weak or ineffectual, feeling like you are nowhere near where you should be in any given area, is just part of the human condition. It is part of this mortal state that we all will leave behind when we leave this life. It's not a sign of failure or spiritual retardation- it's just life. If I'm waiting to feel totally on top of things- to feel like I'm finally picking up speed and cruising along this highway of life- as a sign that I've "made it", I'll be waiting in dread my whole life. That's just not what this life is about.
I'm learning so much about grief. Right now, my favorite scripture is Isaiah 61:3. It talks about mourning in Zion, which I take to mean placing your grief at the feet of the Lord, and letting Him do what he can with it. If we're willing to do this, and forgo regrets, blame, and anger, He promises us "beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness." I have really, truly felt these promises come true for me. Not all the time, but enough to get through the day. The best promise is in the next sentence: "that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord." To me, this means that my family's spiritual roots will grow so deep, that this experience will give us strength and faith that will last generations.
I've also realized that every time something hurts us, disappoints us, or messes with the way we think life should be, it's like a fork in the road. We're presented with a choice, whether we're conscious of it or not. I was most aware of this during our journey to the funeral. Something had gone wrong, and it hurt. I let a few tears out, then there was almost a voice in my head. "You can choose to be hurt, or you can choose peace." I was perfectly justified either way. As soon as I was conscious of that fork in the road, it was easy to choose peace. I immediately felt better. I could let it go. I was aware today of another fork in the road. Today was a hard day, and I was feeling the loss very keenly. I spent hours on Michael's facebook page throughout the day. I pored over pictures, watched videos over and over. A friend stopped by, and our conversation turned to the heavy burdens she was carrying. My weight of grief lifted as I showed love and concern. There came that voice again, whispering that I could choose. I could turn inward and make a meal of my pain and loss, or I could open my heart and turn outward and find relief in caring for others. Again, I could be justified either way. That was a pretty powerful lesson for me.
This hasn't been easy. It really hurts. I'm so grateful though, really flooded with gratitude for the help, the peace, the little messages that all is well. Michael has proven to still be the caring brother he was in life. I've learned so much about him, about what is important to him, in the help and little 'jobs' we've been given. I've never been more sure of life after death. I've never been less afraid of death. I really, truly look forward to the day when we're together again.
I know where my brother is. I know he still exists. I can feel him, hear him in my mind, sometimes laughing, sometimes rueful, but always loving. I know with absolute certainty that someday, his dramatic and too-early exit will make perfect sense, and that we will be astounded at the beauty and majesty of our Father's plan for our family.
I can't introduce you to my brother. How does one describe the coolest brother in the world? One who, when he shows up, draws children out of the woodwork like the pied piper? One who plays guitar in a rock band, who has (and uses) actual ninja swords? One who can envelope you in a hug so huge you can barely see the light of day? One who always wants to talk to you, one who is always dreaming up new adventures.... I can't really do him justice. All I can say, is that it is unfathomable that the world can keep turning, that the sun can still rise without him.
Wow, we've had some crazy days lately. First of all, we got here and Lewis got busy setting up a business to do business development consulting. He got all up and rolling, then he drove into the parking lot of a dealership. His stomach turned. I told him he didn't have to work in the auto industry anymore. We have some money left from when our house sold, so he has a little time to figure out what he really WANTS to do. How many people get a chance to do that? Take some time find what will really be fun and interesting to do. That's the short version. The longer, more painful version contains many headaches, sleepless nights, horrible stress-induced allergic reactions. To get to a place where we felt freed up to think outside the box, Lewis got a blessing from his father where he was told to "do what will bring you joy." On the short drive home from Lewis' parents house, a thought took hold of me, something totally out of the blue. Here's the result- I'm going back to school to be a high school teacher. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
It's nothing I would have ever thought of, but I can't tell you how excited I am. I just paid my tuition today, and got a horrible picture taken for my student ID. How hilarious is that?
I have an easy schedule starting in Sept, at a local jr college. I leave after the kiddos leave for school, and I get back a few minutes after Liam gets off the bus. With Lewis working from home(I'll get to that in a minute), Leebee will have Daddy to welcome him home and eat his lunch with. Come January, I'll start the secondary ed program at EWU.
Lewis, after reading 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller, realized he's happiest when he's building things and using his artistic side. So, his first month giving art a try, he's secured enough commissions to pay the bills. He also is doing some independent construction work on the side, which he loves, because he gets to use his cool power tools. It's really weird, but we've been able to plan our lives from the bottom up- figure out what's most important and build up from there. Once I registered for school (and got over the freak out over that huge change) I haven't had another sleepless night. I don't worry about the future any more. A huge burden has been lifted. Life is very good, and we have SO much time together as a family, which is the most important thing for us.
Here's a painting he did of Dainon; I love it. I want him to do one of me now. Can't you just picture how cool it would be to have a gigantic nude, right as you come in the door? ;)
Lewis watched 5 boys for me when I went to girls camp, earning himself a crown in heaven. Can you imagine 10 boys for 6 days?
Liam was in heaven too. He had so many little buddies to play with.
Lewis is getting ready for the boy scout high adventure, they made model trebuchets to get ready for the big one they're going to make. So life is good! We're happy, healthy, and all is well!
Lewis bought me a cool camera when our house sold, and I've been having a great time figuring it out. So far, I have the point, click and focus parts pretty much down. Aperture, focal length and ISO are pretty much eluding me, but I'm trying. Yesterday I dove into the deep waters of photoshop. I watched tutorials on youtube, and had to pause them every few seconds and rewind over and over. Photoshop is like the mind of a woman, to a man. Unfathomable depths. You can totally screw things up with some errand click you didn't realize you even did. I had to restart things several times. But I'm learning. I'll get it, I promise. Here are some of my projects today:
I know some day soon I'll laugh at what a terrible job I did on these, but today, I'm proud of myself!
We did it! We've been talking a lot lately about expanding our family, so we all went down to the feed store and we did it!
Here's Logan holding the cuddling ducks, with Jill looking on- waiting, hoping.
"One day, one sweet day, you're gonna get lax. You're gonna turn your head for just a second, and I'll be ready."
